I spent Easter in Tucson, Arizona with family. It was a blessing, being surrounded by family, but also bitter-sweet.
My grandmother, 94 years old, is dying. Her liver and lungs have been infested with cancer and she’s on oxygen, fading, her spirit entering sacred space, a bit more each day. Sadly, I knew in seeing her it was the last time I would see her alive, this side of life.
I don’t make the rules, I observe. It sucks, sometimes, because I love life, everything about it, and I enjoy living. I favor the days I spend with family and I count time near family and friends a blessing. It’s just sad that it doesn’t last, that our candle burns out, that we are here today and gone tomorrow.
Meanwhile, back in Montana, it’s third winter and I carry this spiritual burden with me. I wonder, is today the day that Grandma dies?
More snow is on the ground, here in Montana, and temperatures are back in low teens and the skies are gray. This is now, if I am counting, the third winter.
As a result, I move indoors, more hibernation, more bonding with my dog. Fact: she loves me, and I love her.
More soup, more craving for calories. Doesn’t third winter equal 5 more pounds? Sigh.
More 700 fill jackets and scarves, with Sherpa, wool beanies to top the head.
Why am I not bothered by this, these long, gray days that won’t go away? I don’t know, perhaps I am past caring about what the weather is or is not going to do, as what can I do?
By the way, nobody has ever come back to tell me there is something else, something after this life, so I am left wondering about where I go when I die, and why, I live this life, loving it, without answers about where I am going…
But there is this moment, typing, bringing my emotion and thought- bits of my soul- through my heart, down my arms, into my fingers and onto this keyboard. And why, I don’t know, I smile at this, because it feels like, maybe somebody will nod, and smile, and get it.
This moment, with my fingers, dancing, and my dog, the one I love- fact- sleeping next to me.